Beans, Beans, They're Good for your Heart...

He loves me…he loves me not…he loves me…he loves me not. No, I am not sitting in a sunny field of beautiful daisies, picking the white petals from their golden yellow hearts.  Instead I sit in my kitchen in front of a bowl of legumes picking out my precious garbanzo beans (chick peas) from the pintos. I pick out a chick pea…he loves me, then put it in a bowl to my left. I then pick out a pinto…he loves me not, putting it in a bowl to my right. 

My man, bless his heart, wanted to do me a favor. In the midst of soaking & sprouting some beans for himself he noticed the few chick peas left in the bottom of a quart mason jar on the pantry shelf next to the pintos. Thinking that he was helping me, he was inspired to soak & sprout those last few garbanzos so that I could make my yummy hummus. 

He loves mixing beans together, the more diverse the better in his multicultural mindset. I took issue with the whole rainbow gathering of the dried beans. Sure I liked them mixed up on occasion but most of the time I preferred enjoying the uniqueness of each bean…segregated…on it’s own. 

And now, since I presently don’t eat any legumes except chick peas I wasn’t quite sure what to make of the last of my precious beige hummus makers swimming amongst a pool of pintos. I knew in his creative mind there was some reason for his…gasp…faux pas, so I took a deep breath and asked “Why are my chick peas soaking with your pinto beans?” Expecting that he might've had a detailed dream (yes really!) about some unique flavorful recipe involving these two beans exclusively, I was surprised when he instead spewed forth this simple, pragmatic response to my question. 

“There were only a few garbanzos left so I mixed in a few pinto beans so that you could make your hummus.” 

I suppose the phrase “a few” is subjective because it looked to me like three times as many pintos as chick peas. I’ll have to get back to you on the accuracy of my observation when I’ve finished my petal…er bean picking loves me…loves me nots. Ah yes! The bean picking…a meditative and if I do say so myself a rather creative way of integrating the frustration of accepting “help” that I believed actually created a hinderance, despite my honey’s best intentions. 

The irritation I felt made me lose sight of the fact that my sweetheart “thought” he was helping me. While I would love to share that I simply took a deep breath, grounded myself, got in alignment with my higher self and thanked him, that’s…uh…not what happened. 

Oh, I did take a deep breath. Then I made a simple request that he ask me before helping me, while I yanked the zip locked bag of sprouted garbanzos/pintos from the fridge and threw them onto the counter with a vengeance rivaled in intensity only by the bewildered expression on my lover's face. "All this over some beans?" He asked, his words like a lit match thrown onto dried timber. I will spare you the gory details. 

I will tell you this, it wasn’t about the beans, nor was it about my request, it was about my focus. It took me a few moments of tearful introspection along with a little sun caressing my face, an ocean breeze drying my tears and the cardinal's soothing background music to see this for what it was.

After refusing to stifle the anger that arose I closed my eyes and asked what it wanted to show me. What I saw was me, with my heels dug in, arms folded, eyebrows scowling, jaw ridged, refusing to accept the gift that was offered to me because it wasn’t what I had asked for.

My annoyance blindsided me to the joy of a man who loves me, who was thinking of me and taking the extra time and effort to do something that was helpful, not hurtful. Now, through tears of joy I can see the help he gave me and its not about the beans. Its about the opportunity to connect to what’s alive in me, to love the anger and the understanding it brings me about myself. Its about the bowl of love that's sitting right in front of me. He loves me…he loves me…he loves me.